Snape and The Sims
by serpensortit
Summary: Professor Severus Snape is flung into the world of The Sims by a portkey accident. Obviously he isn't to happy with the arrangment.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Hello and welcome to the third time of publishing this thing. I have learned a lesson. Don't mess around with fanfics unless you have them on hard copy, and if you do…DON'T LOSE IT!

Disclaimer: Anything you recognise, I don't own. Anything you don't recognise, I probably don't own that either.

Chapter 1

On a dark, dark night, there was a dark, dark castle. In the dark, dark castle there was a dark, dark stair. Down the dark, dark stair there were some dark, dark dungeons. In the dark, dark dungeons there was a dark, dark office. In the dark, dark office there was a dark, dark Professor.

His name?

Professor Snape.

The Potions Master that night was marking essays. He particularly liked marking this class' work because there were Gryffindors in it. Three Gryffindors in fact, also known as the dream team. It was these three that had burnt his robes, disrupted his lessons countless times and cursed him with three expelliarmus curses at once, knocking him unconscious to name a few.

Their essays were the most enjoyable to mutilate with red ink. Potter's and Weasley's were frankly pathetic, and Snape found so many faults. By the time he was half way through he was tired of their illegible drawl.

Granger's, however, was a different story. Her detail was sloppy and it looked like she was putting everything she knew about the subject whether it applied or not. The Professor took great care in his nit picking and was only happy when he'd written on at least a third of the parchment. The know-it-all was learning though, as her essays were getting shorter. In reply to this though he would note her lack of detail, frustrating her and letting her know she would never win. A Potions Master, more so this one, was never happy.

Putting the last red slash agreeably through a whole paragraph, Snape reached for the next essay.

"Longbottom." Snape read shuddering, dreading what new branch of potions Longbottom had concocted this time.

Upon touching the paper the potions professor felt a tugging at his navel, unable to let go as he was pulled to wherever the port key was destined.

AN: Hrmm, and so it begins. Bwhahahahaha!!

Forget the red button! Press the blue one instead!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Okay. Second installment that was lost…until now. The humour will be stepped up here on out.

Disclaimer: I don't own shit. JK got it all, including Snape (Grrr not fair).

**words** means sim language

Chapter 2

Name: Professor Snape

Location: Lost

Mood: Pissed off

It was the middle of the day, and the ever clear sky showed an ever shining sun. A thud was heard and disturbed the raccoon digging in the trash can for food.

"Bollocks!"

Snape had landed with a thud on what appeared to be what muggles thought was a gnome. In the wizarding world a gnome actually looks more like a sack of potatoes rather than the funny, little fat Father Christmas things with little fishing rods.

Grimacing as he stood up, as I'm sure most people would if they had fallen arse first on Santa Clause's miniature self, the Professor studied his surroundings.

The first thing he noticed was that the land stopped short and there was grey beyond that point. This meant he was unable to pinpoint his whereabouts. Looking around at the land that he could see, Snape realized that everything was too perfect. The grass was too green, the walls of the house had perfect brickwork and there were no clouds in the sky.

Looking up he also saw a crystal shape above his head, it was red. (Meaning to those of you who might not be familiar with the Sims he was angry, or upset, but knowing the Potions Master I think he was angry. Very, very angry)

Growling at the crystal, which Snape presumed to be a curse put on him, he walked away from underneath the crystal.

The crystal followed.

Practically snarling, the Professor drew out his wand and pointed at the _thing_ and muttered every curse he knew.

Five minutes later, as he knew quite a few, including some none magical curses; the _thing from bastard hell_ as he had named it, was still above Snape's head. It was a bit black from the burning, but appeared to be unharmed. Much to Snape's distaste.

Giving up on getting rid of the crystal, as it appeared to be unmovable as of now, Snape decided to see what was in the house.

Getting into the house was easy; _Alohamora_ wasn't required as the door was open. In the house he saw again that everything was too perfect. The hall way was full of lots of expensive paintings and sculptures. The wallpaper was bland and the floor had no marks of any kind on it. Even the cleanest of floors had foot prints on, or dust.

There were three doors; two to either side and one in front, Snape choose the door on his right. Toilet. He went through the door on the left and entered the living room area with a door into the kitchen and dining room.

The Potions Master heard singing on the other side of the door and was a little gratified that there was someone to answer his many questions. He was also glad to have someone to vent his anger on, but he wasn't going to let them know that.

Snape went to greet the person, who he saw was a woman, with unnatural unmoving hair. He had a choice for some reason between a wave or a hand shake. Easily shaking the strange sensation off, he started to ask who she was.

"Who are **you**?" After saying the first few words in English, he found he had started to speak another language. Clearing his throat, Snape tried again. Again the same thing happened.

Then the strange sensation returned. This time it wanted him to hug the woman in front of him. Snape was frankly disgusted at wanted to have bodily contact with a woman he didn't know and couldn't speak English to. The strange sensation was very familiar with the Imperio curse. Like the Imperio curse, however, it was resistible, and Snape did just that.

So he was dealing with someone who could do advanced dark magic. Well that was fine with him, he knew dark magic too.

The Professor of Hogwarts raised his wand and started the incantation for a nasty curse he knew from his time as a Death Eater.

**Oh bloody hell, what next?**

The incantation apparently didn't work in the idiotic dialect he now found himself talking in.

The woman with the unmoving hair, and face pulled a wand out of nowhere.

**What** Said Snape raising an eyebrow. **And just what do you plan to do with that?** He asked, not really expecting an answer.

**This!** Replied the woman. Snape took at step back in surprise and prepared to defend himself

**Toadification** Shouted the woman waving the wand.

Snape wasn't quite expecting that and tried to counter with a spell not requiring an incantation, just a gesture, but that didn't work either.

There was puff of purple smoke. From it came the noise, "Ribbet!"

Professor Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts, member of the Order of the Phoenix, former Death Eater and now spy for the only wizard that You-Know-Who fears, Albus Dumbledore, was a toad.

A slimy, green toad.

AN: Christ! Longer than I was gonna write, phew. I just sat down and it kept coming. Hope you liked it. Sorry about the writing style, I'm still working on it. It's a bit too smug sounding and doesn't have enough describing in it. Hey listen to me I'm reviewing my own work.

(That's what you're meant to do ain't it? Tee Hee only jokin. But a review would be a really nice thing to do, brighten my day so to speak.)

Pretty blue button. Press it. Please.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Ok, haven't updated anything for like forever. (She says with an American accent.) This is due to A-levels and university and working to go to university.

Disclaimer: Don't own them but will wipe off the fingerprints after I've finished playing with them. ;)

**Words** means sim language

Chapter 3

Once upon a time there was a toad. It wore no crown so it would not turn into a toad if you had the inclination to kiss it. But…it would turn into a human, given time. Well…maybe more of an overgrown, greasy bat.

Now, kind readers, this toad as we know is none other than Professor Severus Snape. And as before, we know he is not a happy chappy. Though of course he doesn't know this, he just knows he's angry and a toad. Hopping mad, pardon the pun.

All this, thankfully for Professor Snape, didn't last very long and the angry toad became an angry wizard once again. And this angry wizard demanded revenge.

Snape walked up to the stupid cow who dared to curse him and felt the peculiar sensation to the Imperio take hold of him as before. This time however, instead of fighting it like previously he went with it this time, happily. And…he _slapped_ the stupid cow as hard as possible.

**Ow** Squealed the stupid cow rubbing her sore cheek. **What was that for?**

**For daring to curse me you insufferable wench!** Snarled the ex Death Eater.

**Oh really? Oh, you're in for it now buddy! **She stomped past Snape and through the door. Spy for Dumbledore that he was and therefore always on guard needed to see what his newest adversary was planning and followed her. He followed her through the living room into the hallway and through the door facing the front door. It was a bedroom and had a strange door that didn't fit the décor of the rest of the house. Snape followed the stupid cow through this door and into a large rectangular room decorated similarly to the door.

**What are you going to do?** He asked fearfully, but he'd be damned if he showed it. Rule number one: never let them know you're scared of them.

**Banish you.** She simply said. There was a brown book on a wooden stand which she walked up to and opened, flicked through it for a bit and checked her pockets. (For those of you who are familiar with Mary Poppins imagine the pockets to be like her carpet bag. For those of you who aren't imagine every woman's dream bag…a bag that can fit anything in be it all your make up or your whole house.) **Damn! No snake venom! Don't get too comfortable!** She said threatening Snape whilst poking him. **I'll be right back!**

Snape scowled and poked her right back. **And I'll be waiting.** He said in his most threatening voice, the quiet one that sends shivers down your spine.

Her eyes widened slightly with fear but her face then changed to the eerily still. She flipped her hair, or at least you could see that that was what she had tried to achieve but her hair remained unnaturally still. She twirled around and left the house through the bedroom to the front garden. There Snape, who had inevitably followed her, watched her jump holding onto her legs into a hole with a red arrow surrounded with lights pointing down into it.

"Interesting" thought Snape who although he found himself still speaking the idiotic language despite his best efforts was thankful that he could still think in English. He stepped up to the hole and peered into it, he found it to be unfathomable. As he didn't know where it went he decided not the risk jumping into it in case he came across another being like the stupid cow. He did however decide to take the opportunity to take a look at the book to see what he was to expect from the silly cow and proceeded to re-enter the house.

AN: Woo! I finally finished the third chapter. I become so obsessed with this fic that I have even built the house that they are in. Although I have not made the characters…yet!

Button, button, oh so blue.

They surely must want to press you.

My fan fiction won't you review?

Button, button, oh so blue.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Thank you, thank you for all the kind reviews! I LOVE REVIEWS! And yes I must admit the poem wasn't as good as it could have been, but I was still damn proud of it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or The Sims, no money made, please don't sue.

**Words **means sim language said aloud. All thoughts of Snape are in English. Just to clarify.

Chapter 4

Not long ago, in a galaxy only god knows where…

A man of questionable grooming habits stood reading a book of spells. Well…what he considered to be a poor excuse for one.

**Diamond Dust? Golden Thread? Oh, for the love of Merlin PIXIE DUST! **Professor Snape muttered to himself. **What kind of idiot thought up these? **Questioned Hogwarts' Potions Master mentally adding them to his torture and kill list along with Potter (torture at every possible moment), The Dark Lord (kill at the first possible moment) and the 'stupid cow' (torture, then kill at the first possible moment for as long as possible).

Snape was still looking through the book ten minutes later. He decided what was good enough for the goose was good enough for the gander too. He would 'banish' the 'stupid cow' before she could 'banish' him. He'd see to it he would have the last laugh, 'insert maniacal laughter here'! Now all he had to do was acquire the ingredients…easy right? I mean how hard could it be to get Butter, Snake Venom and Garlic? It sounded more like a Malfoy shopping list than spell ingredients anyway. Easy? Yeah right.

Shutting the book Snape steeled himself for the inevitable jump into the unknown. Which he presumed had to be the way to get these ingredients according to what the 'stupid cow' said. And…he was NOT looking forward to it.

He walked up to the hole in the ground with a lit up arrow pointing down, in case you didn't know which way was down.

**Right Severus. Just jump into the hole…that appears to have no bottom...**The pep talk the Professor was giving to himself was because, and not many people know this, he was afraid of falling. This fear meant that he made sure that he kept an exceptionally strong hold of his broom when flying, which he did as little as possible, refereeing the Quidditch match in Potter's first year being the exception.

Five minutes later…

**Just jump. It cannot possibly be bottomless. Just jump dammit!**

Ten minutes later…

**Jump! When you've finished messing around the 'stupid cow' will be here and thenyou'llbebanishedtoMerlinknowswheresojust **'breathe'** JUMP!**

And then he jumped, hugging his knees and just praying he didn't end as a human pancake at the bottom of the impossibly deep hole or worse, ended up falling for the rest of his natural life.

"I knew it! I knew I'd just end up falling and falling and…I think I'm going to lose my supper!" A falling Snape's desperate thoughts were as such falling down a long, dark hole. The opening becoming a pin prick of light, until…

Unknown to the natural forces of man, Snape felt a strong force start to pull him OUT OF THE HOLE towards the light and land not so gracefully on his rump, for the second time that day, on a strange, twisted bit of wood growing out of the ground.

**And just what the hell was that all about! **Shouted a snarked off Snape to no-one in particular whilst picking himself up from the ground.

He looked around him and as with the other place there was only grey after a certain point, the grass was an unnatural green and the sky was perpetually sunny. The flowers, trees and bushes were all the same and the flowers planted in neat, abnormal rows around a clearing in the middle. There were also two buildings; one looked to be the toilets, and the other had a shop on the ground floor selling baking goods and the roof had chairs and checkerboards. He saw many people like the 'stupid cow' meandering around, in what muggles would call wizard's clothes and what wizards would call muggle's clothes along with what he assumed to be a faerie and a vampiress both mugglised. An elderly Asian man wearing a turban was sitting on a carpet, snake charming and there were three carts selling some of the ridiculous ingredients that he had read about in the so called 'spell book'. In the centre of all this was what appeared to be a dueling arena.

"Well then. That appeared to work, even though it was very unpleasant," thought Snape to himself brushing off bits a debris from falling, then flying, then falling again. "Finding these ingredients isn't as easy as I thought. These people had better not be the same as that 'stupid cow' or they will regret it."

The building with the shop selling baking goods appeared to be the best bet for Butter, so off he went. Entering the shop he saw again floors too perfect, and the wooden walls, doors and windows made it look like the inside of a gypsy caravan and low and behold, the shop keeper was a gypsy. Snape asked the gypsy called Beshaley for some Butter.

**On the shelves, 5 for 80 Simoleans sir. **Answered the clerk.

**I don't think I've got any Simoleans. **Said Snape.

**You don't have to carry them on you; it comes straight out of your household account.**

**"**Really?" thought Snape. "So the bill is sent to the 'stupid cow'? Excellent"

**Good. So I'll have 20 then. **He told Beshaley.

**Thank you that will be 320 Simoleans out of your account. **She said handing Snape the Butter.

**Tell you what. Make it 400 Simoleans and keep the change. **Smirked Snape.

**Thank you very much sir!**

Snape left the gypsy shop a little happier but his revenge was no where near revisited upon the 'stupid cow' quite yet.

Next on the ingredients list was Snake Venom, also what the 'stupid cow' needed. "Where could I buy the Snake Venom?" Snape asked himself looking around the clearing, his eyes narrowing in thought when he saw the snake charmer. He walked up to the charmer and sat down at the empty place on the carpet, struggling slightly to cross his legs.

**Can you sell me some Snake Venom? **

**I am a man who finds himself with an abundance of Snake Venom, but very little Golden Thread with which to weave a rug for my beautiful wife at home. **Was the only answer Snape got.

**So you want some Golden Thread for the Snake Venom?**

Again he got the same answer word for word.

Slightly miffed and knowing he was getting nowhere he got up rather awkwardly and again turned his shrewd eyes to the task of locating some Golden Thread. Off in a corner of the clearing he saw something shiny catch his eyes at the faerie Mara's stall. He walked nearer to see better and saw what he deemed to be Golden Thread.

**I would like to purchase some of your Golden Thread. **He told Mara.

**Certainly sir, that will be 14 MagiCoins. **Answered the faerie in a slightly high, hyper, I've had too much sugar voice.

**Ah…are they the same as Simoleans by any chance? **Asked Snape hoping she would saw yes and that the 'stupid cow' would have to pick up the check like before.

**No, I'm sorry sir, everyone must earn their own MagiCoins and you don't appear to have any.**

**Great! **Exclaimed an exasperated Snape. **And how do I earn those then?**

**Here, you can try snake charming with Naggasante or challenge anyone to a duel.**

**A duel? **Asked Snape his interest peaked.

**Yes. You earn more money if you choose a stall holder, and less if you choose someone not as experienced.**

**Thank you, and do you know where I could get some Garlic?**

**Yes. Vicki Vampiress is always trying to get rid of some. **

Snape's eyes narrowed slightly in confusion, wondering what a vampire would be doing with Garlic in the first place, dismissing the thought . He nodded to Mara in thanks and set off for the dueling arena.

AN: Phew! I did a cliff hanger for the first one so why break with tradition. That took some writing and I've got a new keyboard which I'm trying to get used to because the keys are harder to press. I hope the conversations aren't too bad, I've never been very good at writing them. Must practice!

Please review!

'Insert very badly, but I'm proud of it, written poem'


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